The reason (yes I will finally come to the point) that I decided to write this is that I have read a lot about adoptees searching, reunions and their difficulties, and reunions gone astray. A common theme seems to be that adoptees don't understand why they were 'rejected' and n-moms don't understand or can't face the fact that they caused harm to their child.
I was reading over at Animal Adoption House and read the above statement. My God, Fuzzy Rat has hit the nail on the head! As sure as I know my name, I know that my first mom can't handle the fact that adoption was not kind to me. There's so many things I don't know though. First, wth isn't there more out there to help these women deal with this? Certainly, women don't place their babies with the intent of hurting them. In fact, I'd bet that so many had NO idea AT ALL that this was anything, but the best thing to do. Second, in regards to how this affects reunion, why do first moms so often reject their grown child, whom they know has already been hurt? I can understand the idea that it's easier to ignore what happened than to deal with it. However, I don't think that makes it ok. Often in life, the high road isnt the easiest to take. Isn't a woman's child worth more than the easy route? I had to admit that I have a lot of anger regarding this issue. I deal with my feelings and pain of adoption every single day. I can't ignore it. Why is it so easy for my first mom to ignore it, to ignore me? I sure wish that I was important enough for the high road.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
She hit the nail on the head!
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2 comments:
Thanks for your blog. I've been enjoying reading it, though many of the truths make me squirm. I'm a bmum to a 20 y o girl with whom I'm summoning up the courage to contact. I've been living in fantasy land regarding adoptee pain; just through reading blogs by adoptees over the past two months have I begun to get a clue (hence the squirminess). Thanks for writing.
Canuck
For me, it was not about ignoring my daughter it was all about the fear of wanting too much. She was a grown woman whith a husband and child. She couldn't possibly need me in her life and I couldn't stand the thought of just being an object of curiosity and medical information. I had learned to keep my feelings buried very deep and was afraid. So, at least from my perspective, it was not about my daughter being unimportant and not caring. It was about fear. I didn't understand her pain until well into the reunion.
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