Sunday, June 22, 2008
It began in the winter of '99 while I was away at Malone College in Canton. I found myself thinking about stuff there, that I hadn't much let myself think about at home. The biggest reason for my being able to think more clearly, was that my mother WAS NOT there. I was finally free to think about whatever the hell I wanted to think about! So, I had been thinking about my birth mom here and there. Our spring break was always very early in march. I never wanted to go home, but for breaks like these, I had to, as the dorms were closed down. That winter, I had been regularly talking to Kara, a friend from high school, who had just happened to get knocked up. (We had no sex-ed) While I was home on break, I found out that she had gone into labor early, and was already in the hospital. I was planning on visiting her, until I heard where she was. She was at St. Ann's-the hospital I had been born in. I instantly knew that I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. My mom told me that day, that the hospital had been moved. The new St. Ann's was on a different side of town. It didn't matter. It wasn't so much the place itself, it was what it reprisented to me. I came to the decision that if my adoption bothered me so much, that I couldn't visit a friend in the hospital, then it was time for me to search.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
The reason (yes I will finally come to the point) that I decided to write this is that I have read a lot about adoptees searching, reunions and their difficulties, and reunions gone astray. A common theme seems to be that adoptees don't understand why they were 'rejected' and n-moms don't understand or can't face the fact that they caused harm to their child.
I was reading over at Animal Adoption House and read the above statement. My God, Fuzzy Rat has hit the nail on the head! As sure as I know my name, I know that my first mom can't handle the fact that adoption was not kind to me. There's so many things I don't know though. First, wth isn't there more out there to help these women deal with this? Certainly, women don't place their babies with the intent of hurting them. In fact, I'd bet that so many had NO idea AT ALL that this was anything, but the best thing to do. Second, in regards to how this affects reunion, why do first moms so often reject their grown child, whom they know has already been hurt? I can understand the idea that it's easier to ignore what happened than to deal with it. However, I don't think that makes it ok. Often in life, the high road isnt the easiest to take. Isn't a woman's child worth more than the easy route? I had to admit that I have a lot of anger regarding this issue. I deal with my feelings and pain of adoption every single day. I can't ignore it. Why is it so easy for my first mom to ignore it, to ignore me? I sure wish that I was important enough for the high road.