A Step Back Part 1

I realized today that I have never shared my reason for searching or what happened after, here in my blog. So, for a few days I'm going to step back in time...

It began in the winter of '99 while I was away at Malone College in Canton. I found myself thinking about stuff there, that I hadn't much let myself think about at home. The biggest reason for my being able to think more clearly, was that my mother WAS NOT there. I was finally free to think about whatever the hell I wanted to think about! So, I had been thinking about my birth mom here and there. Our spring break was always very early in march. I never wanted to go home, but for breaks like these, I had to, as the dorms were closed down. That winter, I had been regularly talking to Kara, a friend from high school, who had just happened to get knocked up. (We had no sex-ed) While I was home on break, I found out that she had gone into labor early, and was already in the hospital. I was planning on visiting her, until I heard where she was. She was at St. Ann's-the hospital I had been born in. I instantly knew that I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. My mom told me that day, that the hospital had been moved. The new St. Ann's was on a different side of town. It didn't matter. It wasn't so much the place itself, it was what it reprisented to me. I came to the decision that if my adoption bothered me so much, that I couldn't visit a friend in the hospital, then it was time for me to search.

WTH Doesn't SHE "Just get over it"?

I haven't talked to my birth/first/bio mom in over a year. However, when we did talk, there was a reccuring theme coming from her, that I should "just get over it". So, today I'm going to stand up for myself (on the anon blog lol) and ask "Why the hell doesn't SHE just get over it"? Why doesn't she get over her selfishness and insecurities? She has told me ad nauseum that she was perfectly fine with what she did, but her actions don't support that. When you are secure in something, you don't feel the need to repeat yourself over and over. Emotionally, she can't handle seeing or talking to me. Why doesn't she get over the fact that her friends aren't going to ditch her because she had a baby that she gave up when she was 17? They aren't going to desert her for that, but they might of course, ditch her for the way she treats me now. In fact, I know of one that got super pissed with her. The things that I'm supposed to "get over" are things that can't be gotten over unless someone waived a magic wand and my life history were instantly changed. I can not just pretend that I fell out of some other woman's crotch. Would I have rather come from some other woman? Sure. Maybe that funny lady Joy Behar or maybe even some random woman down the road who would at least appreciate me. However, I look exactly like her, so it's like DUH! So anyway, today I'm standing up and shouting, "HEY KIM, WHY DON'T YOU GET THE FUCK OVER IT?"

Those Damn Golden Girls!

Ugh! Once again, I've swept up into another rerund starring Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Sophia. Perhaps the mere fact that I'm watching them says something (not so good) about me, but I digress. I've been sitting here thinking, "who the hell sits around the kitchen table with their mother included, discussing their sexual excapades?" Dorothy has broken up the Beatles (fake ones) reunion tour and is having an affair with one of them. Blanche's attempts at seducing a widower have failed and she just called herself a cheap slut. Who knew right? Sophia is like 90 years old and tried to steal Blanche's date. I don't understand why these women are so obsessed with sex. They're all like 70 years old-isn't that past the age where you're not concerned about "doing it" anymore? God bless the typical, corny, 80's sitcom.

Begging

I want to speak to my first mom so bad! I've thought of sending her a card asking if I could, "please, please" speak to her. My God though, why should I have to beg? It would make me look pathetic, which I am, but do I really need to remind her of that? Besides not wanting to beg, I know that her answer will probably be "no". Will she outright tell me no? Not likely. I'll have to take the hint from her silence. This is crazy. Again, fuck adoption!

What to say on Father's day?

So what is one to say on Father's day, when they have no father and only had one for the first six years of their life? I don't know. I have no words.

She hit the nail on the head!

The reason (yes I will finally come to the point) that I decided to write this is that I have read a lot about adoptees searching, reunions and their difficulties, and reunions gone astray. A common theme seems to be that adoptees don't understand why they were 'rejected' and n-moms don't understand or can't face the fact that they caused harm to their child.

I was reading over at Animal Adoption House and read the above statement. My God, Fuzzy Rat has hit the nail on the head! As sure as I know my name, I know that my first mom can't handle the fact that adoption was not kind to me. There's so many things I don't know though. First, wth isn't there more out there to help these women deal with this? Certainly, women don't place their babies with the intent of hurting them. In fact, I'd bet that so many had NO idea AT ALL that this was anything, but the best thing to do. Second, in regards to how this affects reunion, why do first moms so often reject their grown child, whom they know has already been hurt? I can understand the idea that it's easier to ignore what happened than to deal with it. However, I don't think that makes it ok. Often in life, the high road isnt the easiest to take. Isn't a woman's child worth more than the easy route? I had to admit that I have a lot of anger regarding this issue. I deal with my feelings and pain of adoption every single day. I can't ignore it. Why is it so easy for my first mom to ignore it, to ignore me? I sure wish that I was important enough for the high road.