Time to retreat

I've been feeling it for about a week now. It's like I was born with an internal clock that lets me know when the time is near. My birthday is coming in a little over a week and my body is telling me it's time to retreat. The feeling starts as little reminders, such as going to the bank and noticing the date or passing by someone else's calendar, but it gets bigger. It's to the point now, where my body is screaming at me that I need to run, I need to hide RIGHT. NOW. So, I will retreat as I do every year, in order to try to avoid the feelings surrounding my birthday. This is no time for excitement or to celebrate. It is a time to stick my head as far into the sand as I can and to do my best to make my mind numb. Don't ask me what I want for my birthday. Nothing I want can be bought with money. Please don't call me or knock on my door to ask me to come out and play. I can't play right now. I am busy. Busy trying to make sure that I don't think about being left at the hospital. Busy trying to keep my mind in check and not let it wander to a place that reminds me that I have a mother just 20 miles away, who pretends as though I don't exist. I won't be stupid and wait for you to come back for me, as I did when I was a little kid. I no longer wait for the phone to ring, as I did when I got older. It's been a long while since I've waited for a birthday card or even hoped for a simple email. It's not coming and you're not coming. I can't go there anymore. At 12:00am on March 25th, I will come back, breathing a sigh of relief and dusting myself off, knowing that it is once again over.

Best Wishes,
Jen